Thursday, February 09, 2006

Russian programmers

  1. Russian programmers never read manuals and rarely use online help - they easily get a grasp of a new program, simply because they have already tried every single program in this field before.
  2. Russian programmers never pay for the software. They either crack it or buy those wonderful CDs with tons of cracked software that are sold for $5 bucks in every major city in Russia.
  3. Russian programmers are always on the cutting edge of software development - they use the latest versions of the best tools available - it's easy, since there is no need to pay.
  4. Russians programmers are very experienced in hardware. They will take your computer apart and build it back in a matter of minutes. They remember the jumpers settings for most boards, hard drives and other devices. They never forget what interrupts and base memory addresses are currently used up in their computers.
  5. Russians programmers keep upgrading their computers until there are no more available interrupts, no room for additional memory and no free bay slots. If they can't upgrade it any more they buy a new one and tie both old and new computer into a LAN.
  6. Russians programmers program on on all levels, beginning with the processor codes, table of which they hold for the reference on their desk. They usually remember by heart the list of functions of Int21H.
  7. Russian programmers remember by heart both English and Russian keyboard layouts. You can ask them in the middle of the night what key is between A and L and you'll hear surprised: "What do you mean - they are 7 keys apart?".
  8. Russian programmers hate Microsoft and Microsoft tools, but keep using them from time to time.
  9. Russian programmers prefer Borland tools and install Microsoft compilers only for their nice Help files on Windows API.
  10. Russian programmers feel themselves very comfortable on the Internet. They are always online - just in case they need something urgently.
  11. Russian programmers only work when they are in the right mood. Programming is a creative process and it cannot be pushed.
  12. Russian programmers are always in the mood for programming.
  13. There are two kinds of Russian programmers - the ones that hate Windows and program on Unix and the ones that hate Windows and still program on Windows. Macintosh programmers aren't real programmers - they are more often referred to as "users".
  14. Russian programmers hate to code somebody else's ideas. Each program is written personally and from scratch.
  15. Russian programmers always have a copy of Doom, Duke Nukem or Quake on their hard drives. They play nights over the network in the Deathmatch mode.
  16. Russian programmers never use joystick. Keyboard is a dangerous weapon in their fast hands.
  17. Russian programmers never give up. They will hunt down bugs in their programs forgetting to eat and sleep.
  18. Russian programmers' wives are never happy. They get no attention whatsoever as long as the computer is in the same house.
  19. There are two kinds of Russian programmers - the ones that bring profit by actually doing something, and the ones that bring better profit by not interfering with anything.
  20. Russian programmers are always underpaid. There is no money in the world that amounts to what they are really worth.
  21. Big bosses don't like Russian programmers. Who likes a smart ass who knows everything?
  22. Big bosses will never fire a Russian programmer. They know that even working 10 hours a week and being half-drunk Russian programmer will accomplish more than a Ph.D both in the short and in the long run.
  23. Russian programmers never prototype the code. They write on inspiration, sometimes without sleep, driven by the urge to see the new program run as soon as possible. When the program finally runs without glitches they drop on the floor and sleep for 20-30 hours happily smiling in their dreams.
  24. Russian programmers never approach programming methodically. Every program is a piece of art and is usually written in a highly inconvenient time when deadlines for other projects are around the corner.
  25. Russian programmers like sushi. Japanese restaurant is the only place they may sacriface the friday night debugging session for.
  26. Russian programmers eat very seldom. Usually they manage to grab something during the compilation or a lengthy file upload/download.
  27. Russian programmers usually sleep from 6 am to 8 am. The rest of the day (and night) is spent in a half-sleeping mode, although it doesn't reflect on work efficiency.
  28. Russian programmers ignore the regular schedule with lunch time starting at noon. They usually go to lunch around 2-3 pm. If they go to the lunch after 4 pm - they don't return.
  29. Russian programmers never start working right away in the morning. First they check and reply to all E-mails, read the daily news, make a posting to a favorite newsgroup and have a cup of tea.
  30. The morning ritual described in item 29 usually lasts through the first half of the day. Russian programmers start working right after lunch, intermixing their primary functions with Internet activity.
  31. Russian programmers like to chat on IRC. Communication with real people takes to much time to be taken seriously.
  32. If Russian programmer visits a friend who has a computer in the house, sooner or later he will get to it to check his mail or for some other important reason.
  33. If the computer in the friend's house is broken, the Russian programmer will fix it in no time.
  34. Russian programmers usually fall dead asleep every time they are taken away from the computer. The regular life is too boring.
  35. Russian programmers with laptops very often collapse from exhaustion and insomnia, because there is no place on earth where they could get away from their computers and take a good sleep.

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